I was late meeting the Professor at the Lionel Messi Tavern in Rose Street on a sunny, windy, showery day in June.
The Lionel Messi Tavern was originally known as the Abbotsford Bar, and was a favourite eating and drinking hostel for the famous Scottish historical novelist Sir Walter Scott. Abbotsford, Scott’s ancestral home, is located in the borders of Scotland. He is depicted in the bar in a contemporary engraving by Thomas Faed, with his friends from the community of Scottish writers, musicians, poets and artists, including the famous Ettrick Shepherd and James Hogg.
Lionel Messi, of course, is the Argentinian football player who plays for FC Barcelona and is capable of mesmerising his opponents with his ball skills. Born in 1987 in the city of Rosario in Santa Fe Province, he joined the local football team, Grandoli, for whom his father, Jorge, coached, at the age of five. Even as a child, his prodigious talent was obvious, and his relatives in the city of Lleida in Catalonia brought this fact to the attention of the director at FC Barcelona. Young Lionel emigrated along with his father to Catalonia, under the care of the Barcelona Club, and enrolled in the great club’s famous football Youth Academy. It is very likely that Messi will be rated as the greatest football player of all time if he continues to develop his extraordinary talent beyond its current level (in the twenty-teens), however Cristiano Ronaldo – his nearest opponent in ability – may yet overcome him. The next decade promises to deliver some of football’s most historic performances as the two players ply their passienic neotenous bipedal arts around the globe, and the 2018 World Cup may prove decisive in this respect.
This iconic pub has, in recent years, become a favourite haunt of an international group of biophysicists belonging to the Biophysical Society, a scientific discipline whose founding father was Luigi Aloisio Galvani, the Italian physician, biologist and philosopher, who discovered animal electricity, bioelectrical magnetics and the electrical stimulation of the nervous system. Local oral legends and traditions place Galvani in the Abbotsford Bar in the late eighteenth century when he visited Edinburgh, and where he met and discussed matters with key members of the Scottish Enlightenment. More recent visitors to the tavern include Professor Seth Lloyd who has distinguished himself, and his team of colleagues at Massachusetts Institute of Technology, in the field of Biomechanics. Staff claim that Richard Feynman was a regular visitor.
Gordon was nursing a pint of his favourite beer when I arrived and pondering on one of his ideas about how Lionel Messi is capable of mesmerising his opponents with his ball skills. I already knew that he espoused a theory of a new force of nature to explain the unique and quite baffling physical connectivity between foot and ball (for example, when Messi collected the ball around the halfway line and motored at high speed into the opposing half, leaving a trail of puzzled, disoriented defenders in his path), whereby the ball oscillates between, and is indissolubly coupled to, one foot and the other. Many football journalists, and scientists, including Passienic researchers, have tried to analyse this quite amazing connection, but none had come up with a satisfactory explanation. He christenThe Prof. told us he had come up with a name for this paradoxical push- and-pull, exotic and foetal force. ed it the “mession” and followed this up with the hot news about progress with the Passienic Particle Accelerator at CERN in characterising this elusive particle that facilitates binding of ball and foot.
Mike: Do you have any sense of exactly what dove-tailed neotenous foetal force or forces are being activated by Lionel Messi on one of his high-speed weaving runs into the opposing penalty box, Gordon?
[espl_quote]The book Homo Passiens: Man the Footballer, is based on the ‘insane’ idea that humans evolved bipedalism to play football.[/espl_quote]
Gordon: I do, Mike, and I must say that Messi and a few other great footballers, such as Cristiano Ronaldo, George Best and Paul Gascoigne, are – or were – expressing this fundamental force of nature between foot and ball that has up to now simply been overlooked by the sapiens researchers, and indeed by our very own passiens scientists. Although, to give our people credit, they have been hunting for a physiological and biophysical explanation.
Mike: What forces are we looking at that may explain this astonishing gain of oscillating and accelerating bipedal and neotenous football function?
Gordon: First of all we must consider gravity. Both the foot and the ball express mass and therefore gravitational forces must play a part, although the graviton has been considered and rejected in several passienic studies. Gravity is vitally important in football play due to its influence on bipedal balance, and the best footballers modulate gravity via their advanced knock-knees – Messi expresses this beautifully, and his maintenance of balance during his mazy runs – under often violent tackles – is almost beyond scientific understanding.
Mike: What about electromagnetism?
Gordon: This type of force unites both magnetism and electricity, and its particle is the photon. Of course these forces must also play a role – all biology must include electromagnetism in energy metabolism – as a modulating influence – but it is highly unlikely that this would have a major influence on bipedal ball control and football-play dynamics.
Mike: Yet some goalkeepers seem to have an electromagnetic force that attracts the ball even when it appears to be on a different path! Could this perhaps be the Weak Nuclear Force?
Gordon: Hmmm. An effective force on all particles and subparticles perhaps, but not a candidate in this field of play – in bipedal neotenous football.
Mike: Then the Strong Nuclear Force?
Gordon: It is a potent force – and an attractive candidate. The activating particulate entity is the gluon, but here again I doubt if it fits the bill as a biological adhesive functional interface between foot and ball. We are seeking a dual-energy force that can both hold the ball, oscillating between two dancing feet, and or drive the football with extreme power in a long crossfield pass, or incendiary shot.
Mike: Any new candidates to the fore?
Gordon: The Higgs field and boson seemed briefly to account for the complex mathematics expressed in mession field dynamics, but have been discounted.
The Ronaldo constellation as viewed in the Northern Hemisphere. This was recently identified and officially recognised by the International Astronomical Union.
Mike: So we, or at least the Passiens university faculties of accelerated particle and force-field theory, are on the hunt for your so-called mession – the football particle that accounts for paradoxical push–pull foot-and-ball energy biomechanics articulated by the bipedal bi-footal geniuses such as George Best, Paul Gascoigne, Ferenc Puskas, Diego Maradona, Cristiano Ronaldo, and of course Lionel Messi?
Gordon: Several bipedal neoteny universities around the world are focusing on the agonistic and antagonist ball-and- foot biomechanical bioforce that facilitates the gain of function that is the driving element of neotenous dribbling football play. It seems that the force that adheres to the ball is the same force that parts with the ball; we have as yet no clear knowledge of what the mession force and particle is, which tends to zero at 100 yards, but we have no difficulty in observing its effects in time and space – the mession bioparticle, in its deepest biophysical essence, is the quintessential goal particle and football field force. Maximum messions appear at the point of connection between ball and foot, and that minimum mession force tends to zero at 100 yards – the length of a football pitch and the maximum distance of function.
[espl_quote] Messi articulates Heizenberg’s expression of quantum uncertainty: it may be possible to locate the position of the ball, or the foot, at any fuzzy moment during a Messi mazy run, but not the momentum of either [/espl_quote]
Mike: So we are left with a ghost particle and field, but with the poetry of its expression in football neoteny, and football play, as majestically evidenced by Lionel Messi?
Gordon: Yes. We cannot see the wind, but we know when it blows. Similarly, we do not yet see or understand the action of the mession, but we can enjoy its physical expression and dynamics. However, there is good news from CERN, where they are working with the Josef (Sepp) Hugi Passiens Particle University of Riehen, and where they believe that they have already viewed evidence of its bio-energetic and bio-informatic after-trail.
Mike: Does the mession adhere to the Standard Model?
Gordon: It seems that this is the case, Mike. In proton collisions at the Large Hadron Collider, the scientists observed massive subatomic particle trails, among which were tiny trace trails of the mession, before it disintegrated into other particulates – furthermore there may be another group of such messionic particles. It seems just a matter of time before other more mession exotics – a whole family of such – are discovered.
Mike: Great football articulates great particle physics and bioenergetics?
Gordon: Yes. Every time.
Mike: Are messions fuzzy in two places at once?
Gordon: Yes. Any defender would agree to that – Messi articulates Heizenberg’s expression of quantum uncertainty: it may be possible to locate the position of the ball, or the foot, at any fuzzy moment during a Messi mazy run, but not the momentum of either – never both at the same moment.
Mike: Each run, each bipedal locomotion, is a parallel in-out, right-left, up-down, forward/reverse, symmetrical/asymmetrical, orthodox/eccentric possibility and actuality, mediated by quantum potential and modulated by the mession particle?
[espl_quote]The elusive Mession particle that binds foot and ball, recently isolated in the Large Hadron Collider at CERN.[/espl_quote]
Gordon: When Einstein referenced the aim of life as a goal, he was postulating the negation of entropy, not its annihilation; rather its dialectical uptake, negation and inclusion in lucidity.
Mike: Lucidity and goal maintain, and yet simultaneously negate entropy?
Gordon: With every completed pass, dribble, step-over, nutmeg, successful tackle, save and goal, lucidity is affirmed, and entropy allowed, but suspended.
Mike: Many football fans, and other more objective observers, have claimed that Messi’s brilliant and numinous bipedal neotenous dribbling is equivalent to having an extra leg. Fantasy or reality?
Gordon: Having three legs – what we call tripedalism – is far from a fantasy, Mike. The elevation to tripedal canonisation is allowed to only a very few football players. As a matter of fact, it is expressed by two ancient and famous football cultures, as seen in the flags and totems of Sicily and the Isle of Man. Tripedalism is revered in both cultures – in football, literature, poetry, drama and art.
Mike: The original historic correlation?
Gordon: That is found in Japan. Emperor Jimmu was a descendent of the Sun Goddess, Amaterasu, and was a famous warrior and footballer – also known as the “Divine Footballer”. Tripedalism is a major influence in Japanese mythology, culture and literature, all beginning around 600 b.c., when tripedalism became synonymous with great Japanese dream-play and lucidic football.
Mike: When Messi embarks on an interweaving forward/reverse double/double-helix dribble, facilitated by the mession, he attains such a level of super wake REM dream brilliance that he attains hyperlucidity and canonic Grand Master status of—
Gordon: Exactly! Tripedalism! Yatagarasuism, Mike. Yatagarasuism is its official Japanese honorary title.
Mike: And how is this expressed?
Gordon: By the famous Three-Legged Crow – now the symbol of the Japanese Football Association – which has, you might be interested to hear, recently inaugurated a new Passiens University at Hyuga Province to study tripedalism in football. It is called the Keisuke Honda Academy of Passiens and Yatagarasuism Sciences of Hyga.
Mike: What do they specialise in?
Gordon: Tripedalism, obviously, in modern neotenous football expression.
Mike: Have you written about this, Gordon?
Gordon: I am doing so, Mike. Yatagarasuism in Ancient and Modern Japanese, Sicilian and Manx Cultures will be published by Tripedal Publications in Saito, Hyuga, Japan.
Mike: I look forward to its publication.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mike McInnes is a retired pharmacist who has a special interest in cerebral energy metabolism and its modern impairments.. His research into the evolution of the large and greedy human brain led to the conclusion that this is the direct result of our strange selection of upright bipedalism as a locomotive strategy, and consequently this research led to the book on Homo passiens.
The book Homo Passiens: Man the Footballer, is based on the ‘insane’ idea that humans evolved bipedalism to play football.
It is based around a fictitious academic, Gordon P. McNeil, Professor of Archaeology and Paleoanthropology at St Andrews University, who discovered the species Homo passiens in East Africa.
All ‘mad’ stuff but full of football archaeology, anthropology, anatomy, physiology, psychology, quantum and Newtonian biophysics, football surrealism, football Robot Artificial Intelligence, the mession bio-particle that binds foot to ball.